In an hour long press conference today, Seattle mayor Paul Schell announced the cancellation of the month of January. The mayor, who has been blasted in previous weeks for his handling of WTO protests, his apparent lack of vertebrae, then for his cancellation of New Years' celebrations, said he could not live with himself "if something happened to anyone within Seattle city limits during the month of January."

Schell then added, "In New York, Los Angeles, London, you know, real cities, when people go out, their mayor isn't personally liable for everything and anything that happens to that person. Here in Seattle, I am personally responsible for every injury that occurs in Seattle."

While many in the city blindly followed the mayor in agreeing with his "Don't go outside during the month of January" campaign, others were shocked at the prospects of not being able to venture outside for an entire month. These dissenters, however, were sought out by police, told to "Tape this, bitch!" and shot in the temple.

Schell has told Seattlites that they might be able to come out of their homes in February if, "there isn't any snow on the ground." He then added, "On second thought, I think we might just put everyone in plastic bubbles and make them telecommute."