April 1, 1989: Ronald Reagan single-handedly defeats Communism with his bare hands.

April 2, 1962: The first official Panda crossing--a type of signal-controlled pedestrian crossing--opens outside Waterloo Station, London. No pandas are harmed during installation, nor are they (rather unfairly) allowed to use it to cross the road.

April 3, 1860: The first successful Pony Express run from Saint Joseph, Missouri to Sacramento, California begins. Overworked horses across the nation begin plotting a revolt that is later defused at the eleventh hour through a massive bribe involving wagon loads of carrots and apples.

April 4, 1581: Francis Drake’s attempt to circumnavigate the world by sailboat ends in catastrophe when he sails over one of Earth’s edges near the island nation of Vanuatu.

April 5, 456: After visiting his family in Britain for a time, St. Patrick returns to Ireland as a missionary bishop. Ireland’s snakes become exceedingly nervous.

April 6, 1327: The poet Petrarch first glimpses his idealized love, Laura, in the Church of St. Claire in Avignon. The poetry he creates spurs an oft repeated, lasting tradition--lovers putting their romantic interests on pedestals and then writing about it. Hallmark Cards, Inc. eventually fills in the gaps for the masses when words fail.

April 7, 1827: To the delight of pyromaniacs everywhere, John Walker, an English chemist and inventor, begins selling the first friction matches.

April 8, 1513: Explorer Juan Ponce de Leon declares Florida a territory of Spain. Florida’s indigenous inhabitants declare Ponce de Leon an ass.

April 9, 2005: In the most important event of the year, His Royal Highness Prince Charles weds Camilla Parker Bowles.

April 10, 1996: Bill Clinton single-handedly defeats Welfare As We Know It with his bare hands.

April 11, 1921: First sports broadcast on the radio. This transmission instantaneously creates a new position without which today’s society, and all major athletic American pastimes, would collapse--the sports broadcaster.

April 12, 1633: The Inquisition formal trial of Galileo Galilei begins due to his belief in heliocentrism, that the Earth revolves around the sun. Ultimately, Galileo formally concedes and is consequently allowed to live out the rest of his life under house arrest --the Catholic Church, she is generous, no?

April 13, 1953: CIA director Allen Dulles launches the mind control program MKULTRA--would we make something like this up?!

April 14, 1935: “Black Sunday”--not to be confused with corporate America’s most beloved holiday, “Black Friday”--is the worst dust storm of the US’ Dust Bowl era.

April 15, 1955: Ray Kroc opens his first franchise of McDonald's restaurant in Des Plaines, Illinois. The world’s health and waistlines have been suffering ever since--well done, Kroc!

April 16, 1999: Geov Parrish single-handedly defeats the World Trade Organization with his bare hands.

April 17, 1492: Spain and Christopher Columbus sign a contract for him to sail to Asia to get spices, gold, slaves, and booty. Yes, “booty” was actually specified in the contract. Look it up.